Wednesday, November 22, 2006
FREEDOM !
Since months, i whisper silently .. i want to be free !
I was scared, i wonder what happend with me ..
Every time being far from net, i really feel empty..
I couldnt feel any happiness outdoor.
I couldnt enjoy my time with mom and dad anymore, couldnt enjoy learning in school anymore, always want to rush .... back and back meet my best friends on net.
I realise, i do not have many friends before .... maybe that's one of the reasons.
And after promising myself for running Islam wholeheartedly, i almost miss all my activities.
I do not want to waste time with chitchat friends in mall anymore, i can't go to swim anymore, i doubtly go to dojo, i doubtly play any music instruments anymore, just hearing and so many things i doubtly to do.
And then .... booooomb !!!! ... I find some really great friends on net. I meet a best friend - i never find in my life before - who can understand me fully. She is so daring and so caring. And she is the sample of muslimah i wanna be. I am addicted to her. I think in some way i really "fall in love" with her. Every day i spent hours with her. I come to net day and night just to check if she is online .. and we will spend hours together, just the two of us .. forget about the time, forget about others. We learn so many things together, and really i gather so many good things too, alhamdulillah.
Finally, i am being addicted to be on net. I feel like i found what i need, learning many about my deen and be among good moslem friends. All my happiness seems be there ... i spend most of my time there .... always wanna be there again and again .... seems like i live in another beautiful world ... But this is not really beautiful actually ... i spend many tears too there. Seems I am not ready to have many bros & sis on net. Whenever i think very hard about other people's problems, even when my tears didn't dry yet, the people have the problems already laugh a lot and carry on with their life as if nothing happend. I sent my money and gift to some wrong people, that even didn't care to say thanks and even didn't bring any good to them or to me too. Seems like people playing around and i cant following their dance rythm. But i learn a lot about people too, alhamdulillah.
I meet a good brother and enjoy it much being & learning with him too. I want to meet him again and again, asking about anythings happend with my life. I meet a good group to be with. Learning and laughing together. Make me more deep be trapped on net. I become a not normal girl anymore who didnt play around with friends, who didnt enjoy being with mom and dad everytime everywhere anymore, who didn't give enough attention and enough concentration to all my activities ... but be a girl who sitting in front of my pc in every spare time ...... And this scare the hell out of me !!!!! I am too much and i realise it too late !
When my best friend on net finished her study, i can see with open eyes what happend with me ! Eventhough i am not sure if i can finish my study at the right time too, but if i work very hard for it, i am surely be in the right positions and not still be here !
I shame with me, i dissapointed with myself. I am careless and be absorbed. I forgot that all what happend on net is not real. I am in euphoria !!! I always think that's a part of my life !!! I spent more time & feeling than it should. When a problem happend with me and my best friend on net, even it affect me too much and make me sick ... what a sickness i am !!!
Really very hard when i decide to be back to my life again. Left all good friends on net. From all good and bad i get on net, still i should thanks Allah for all His blessing. I learn so many good things. Whatever, This is really part of my life .. an expensive lessons i cant find anywhere else. And ramadhan is the best time for me to do that. I pray to Allah to help make me stronger and didnt see backwards.
At first, i want to erase the Messanger in my pc. That's the only way can make me away from this things. But i cry day and night and still cant do that yet. I cry remember my good friends, wonder what they do there, will they remember me, will they keep making dua for me .....
I keep coming there just to watch them being there and read their status. But I cant stand longer sit outdoor and do nothing. I really miss them and I want to be with them all ...... But i know the price is too expensive, i will not be in the same hole again, inshaAllah. I should be strong , strong, and stronger ! For my own good sake !!!
Then i decide, i will not come in my ID anymore. So, i cant see them all whether they are online or around. This act help me so much. I always feel lonely in net without them, be bored and have no other desire to come and be alone.
In ramadhan, i start coming to masjeed, following Islamic classes, seriously working hard for my thesis, give more attention to my small cake business, gathering with mom and dad happily .. and the important things, after all that things happend to me, i can appreciate all that almost loose in my life.
Whenever i have time or boring doing my thesis, i come to chat room with my new ID, know no one and didnt want to have anyone anymore. Didn't want to attach myself to anythings anymore. I have enough and alhamdulillah i enjoy being like this nowdays. All great thanks to all great sister and brother on net for all beautiful days they shared with me and for all lessons they teach me. May Allah bless them all, ameen.
And ......
May Allah bless me and help all others who ever face the same problems with me, ameen.
May Allah keep me strong and guide me in doing all good things toward Him, ameen
May Allah help me in loving Him and love me and help me to pass all His trial, ameen
Posted by SebeningDoaMalam ::
4:32 AM ::
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